Dan Nielsen

Photo by Chelsey Corrin

Dan Nielsen drinks bourbon and plays ping pong. Old credits include Random House and University of Iowa Press anthologies. Recent work in: Jellyfish Review, Bird’s Thumb, Minor Literature[s], Storm Cellar, Spelk, and Pidgeonholes. Dan has a website: Preponderous and you can follow him @DanNielsenFIVES.

When

PART 1: MY LIFE

when I was one and learning to walk
my psychiatrist advised me to take baby steps

when I was little I believed I had a guardian angel
but it was just my imaginary friend in an angel costume

when I was a kid
I thought Pop was Snap and Crackle’s dad

when she put peanut butter on my graham crackers
I knew my mother loved me but most of the time I wasn’t so sure

when I was bad I had to go to my room or stand in the corner
and when I was really bad I had to stand in the corner in my room

when I found out I was adopted the hardest part
was telling those people who thought they were my parents

when I brag about my secret life
people accuse me of being an alter-ego maniac

when I left the party to pick up the pizza
everyone was nice to me for about an hour

when I noticed that my inflatable girlfriend was getting fat
I didn’t say anything I just stopped pumping

when I get high and someone threatens to kill me
it makes me paranoid

PART 2: WHAT I BELIEVE

when God told Eve that she had sinned
Eve said now can I put on some clothes

when they asked Jesus where babies come from
he said an angel visits your mom

when you turn your frown upside-down
you’ll still be upset

when you’re alone
it’s best not to show too much emotion

when a tree falls in the forest and no one sees it
it gets back up

PART 3: QUESTIONS

when a beautiful woman is the only person in a bar
who pays for her drinks

when rain falls from a cloud
does the cloud because it’s lighter go up

PART 4: OBSERVATIONS

when the blind man died his seeing eye dog was despondent
because it really should have seen that bus coming

when my shoe came untied
I realized I’m not that good at tying shoes

when the zombie bit the vampire the vampire said
oh great now I’m a vampire and a zombie

Save